should we stay or go?

During the first week we had with Miles, I may or may not have looked at Jared in the hospital and forced him to repeat these words after me,

"Jalayne, I promise you, we are leaving Haiti after our commitment is up next year."

I may or may not have even been dramatic enough in that moment to make him repeat it to me three times in a row while looking me straight in the eyes so that I could actually half-way believe it. I can be really mature like that at times in our relationship ;).

But in all seriousness, the topic of how long we will live in Haiti and what our involvement will be is discussed in our household way too often. Sometimes we have to make rules at night that it can't be talked about simply so that our vocab consists of words beyond 'Haiti', 'too hot', and 'I wish there was McDonalds'.

There are days that we could happily live here for the rest of our lives. We see the girls and can't imagine life without them. We love the people we get to work with and want to always be around so that we can see what God will do in their lives. We realize that the way this country forces you to be dependent on God and not yourself does us more good than we realize.

And then there are other days that we'd give anything to have a flight out yesterday. That we just can't see past the trash and smells. The poverty wears on us and we can hardly take anymore. (I know that sounds so selfish...I'm not even the one living in poverty...Get over yourself, Jalayne. I get to sleep in my comfy bed each night with a full stomach and roof over my head...but sadly it's the way I feel many times).

Last year around this time we decided that our first year had flown by, and being that we were just starting the orphanage, we thought it would be best to stay for at least a third year. After year one we were just starting to feel comfortable will everyday life here, so we felt that leaving after two would be leaving when we just really got settled. So, we have committed to live here working for CFM (Christian Fellowship Mission) through October of next year.

So, what's after that?? Good question. If you have any visions from God on our lives, please...let us know! ;)

We've thrown around and prayed about many ideas over our almost two years here. The thought of leaving the girls here breaks our hearts. The thought of never living closer to our own family again breaks our hearts. In any decision we make...it is always bittersweet.

We have come to love the girls as our own. Or so we thought. But then I realized once we had Miles that there is just something about your "own" child that is different. Probably sounds extremely selfish once again, but it is hard to make our relationship with the girls the exact same that it would be in a family. We aren't the ones tucking them in bed anymore at night. We aren't there for each hurt they face. We try, but it can never be enough. And we have incredible nannies there to help them..but we still struggle knowing if this is best for these 6 precious girls. When you are talking about a life...something that is good sometimes doesn't seem good enough. We struggle already giving the 6 of them the attention and love they each needs...how are we supposed to do this when there are 12 ? We struggle thinking about the fact that if we leave after 3 years, then another couple will come down and become "mom and dad". And then, what happens three years after that? I don't know if I can live with myself knowing that could happen. We don't want these girls to feel abandoned all over again. And at the same time, we see so much great that could happen with things staying just the way they are now. But is great best? I don't know.

Therefore, in a week Jared (and hopefully Miles and I, too) will go and meet with our board in Florida to talk about our hopes for the future of the girls. We just want the absolute best for them each, and we aren't sure what that will look like yet.

So please, keep us and the board of CFM in your prayers October 14th, 15th and 16th as we discuss and pray over these decisions. Praying for all of us before hand that our hearts would be softened and open to what God's will is. Pray that we are all united on a decision at the end of the meeting and that we are all open to whatever God's leading is for the future of the girls.

At the same time, Jared and I ask that you would be in prayer for what our lives will look like after our 3 year commitment comes to an end. Whether that means staying in Haiti, moving somewhere else, going back to the States, continued involvement with the girls, etc. We really want to hear God clearly on this and we aren't sure what to do yet. We want to be obedient to his desires for our lives, not our own. As much as I would loove to live near a target and chick-fil-a again on many days.... if God wants me to sacrifice those things I need the strength to be obedient ;) ha. Please pray for wisdom and discernment for our family. That we and CFM would both be obedient to what God wants for our futures.

Also, please pray that Miles' passport comes before October 14th so that he and I can make the trip with dad to Florida :)

Thank you for being a part of what we are doing. For being willing to sacrifice financially to help us do ministry here, to spend time in prayer over our family and work, and for caring about our girls, the Haitian people and their lives. Each sacrifice makes a difference in what goes on here, and it does not go unnoticed by us. We appreciate you.